Good Morning!

So I know I'm always beginning my posts with "I'm new to GBD..." so I'll try to avoid that start ;) Today I woke up just feeling *different*. I can't really explain it, I have just felt really in touch with my children today. I know I have quite a few lovely GBD mamas out there saying prayers for me, and they were truly felt today.

For the first time, I felt like I was truly "Conscience Parenting" (I know that terms been coined by others, but it really fits what we're trying to do.) I was catching most meltdowns before they happened and gently breaking up fights. The first half of my weekday it's just me & Sydney then my boys trickle in one at a time. During the time it was just the two of us I made a conscience effort to really watch her and anticipate when something needed to change. I responded quickly to and sometimes even before her cues (whoo hoo!!) I didn't complain when she asked me fifty bazillion times to "help her" use the rest room. I don't know why this is one of my buttons. Perhaps it's because she always asks the second I start doing something or maybe it's because it often seems like it's every. five. minutes. Seriously! But today, she barely got out "Can you help..." before I was up and heading to the bathroom to hand her toilet paper. I made sure she had food before she asked and hit meltdown "I'm huuuuungryyyyy!!!" level. I intervened when she decided the dog was a chair. All in all we had a great day. And this set me up for success when the boys got home.

The sky opened up the second I pulled into line to pick up Tyler from Kindergarten. We made a quick giggly dash from the van to the front door trying not to get soaked. Today, when Tyler asked if he could play on the computer, the second he walked in the door, I responded, "Give me a chance to think about it and I'll let you know soon" rather than "we just walked in the door!" He was so patient with me that I allowed him. They had a few little, ahem, disagreements and instead of getting frustrated I did a variation of "you hit, you sit". I took the most upset of the two to one couch and sat the other on the second couch, reassuring that I would be right back to hear his side of the story. They both shared their story and looked at each other's boo-boos, in the end they made up. It was amazing!

When the big boys came in, the littles were in a great mood. I'm really working on Kurt & Tyler learning ways to let the other know what their boundaries are and when they need to be left alone. (They are so much alike that they really seem to butt heads sometimes.) They had one negative moment that was quickly "fixed" and got along great the rest of the day. Anytime I would hear someone raise their voice or say something negative towards a sibling I would simply say, "watch you words" or "think before you speak".

What a difference it makes when you've decided ahead of time that you are going to handle each situation gently and try to consider what's going on inside your children before taking action. Today was a beautiful day! I would have missed out on a lot of positives, had I ignored those early morning feelings.

When does it get easier?

I am having a seriously emotional day. The tears have been free flowing. There hasn't been a day that's gone by since discovering gentle discipline that I haven't wished I'd discovered it sooner. It's just so hard starting fresh when half of your children are already teens. I want so badly to NOT be punitive that I find myself struggling to not be passive. I feel as though I spend so much time researching what gentle discipline is *supposed* to be yet I have no idea how to put it into action. I know it's going to take time, it's been less than 6 months since giving up punitive measures. I'm so not a patient person. When I want something, I want it NOW!!

I'm feeling like such a failure as a parent. What if it's too late to make a difference? I want all of my children to have the same opportunities and to feel equally loved. I'm grateful to be starting early (still not early enough) with my 2 youngest, but feel so bad for my big boys. I have so much love in my heart for my family and all I want is the best for them. I've tried explaining the changes and that punishments are no longer on the table. My boys are very intelligent and have such amazing hearts but I don't think they *trust* this change. How horrible am I that my children don't believe that I am willing and truly desire to change because of my love for them? How do I assure them that this change is real and help them achieve the desired goals of gentle discipline? To me, those goals are to love themselves and others as Christ has loved us. I want to help them to make the right decisions because deep down they know they are right, not because they don't want to be caught. I want them to take the feelings of others into consideration in the decision making process. I want them to be honest with their own feelings, especially to themselves. They should know that it's ok to be mad, frustrated, disappointed, or to merely have a different opinion than others.

I sound so whiny. Me, me, me, I, I, I...*sigh* The enemy knows when to attack, doesn't he? This time will pass and I know I will eventually find my stride, but I sure wish it were sooner rather than later.

Lord, protect my heart. Guide me to make the right decisions for myself & my children. Help me to correct past mistakes and help me to forgive myself as You have forgiven me. Amen. 

My Superman

I recently posted the on The Leaky Boob's facebook page, but I wanted to expand a bit more about just how amazing my husband is.

We're new to GBD and while it's been admittedly easier for me, my sweetheart is really trying. He's become more intentional in the way he handles disciplining the children and is having fewer punitive lapses (spanking has completely been eliminated.) While GBD is a slower transition than I would like (I want what I want NOW!), there are many other attachment areas that have come more natural to us. When we had our first (biological) child together I told him I planned to breastfeed. Though it wasn't something he was used to, he could not have been any more supportive. He would bring me pillows, water, and anything else I needed while nursing and even got up with me at nighttime feedings to help with diaper changes and anything else I/we needed. He was a huge support and has told many people how amazing breastfeeding is and has encouraged other husbands to be supportive of their wives.

On Thursday, he came home from work a bit frustrated about a conversation he'd had with a fellow co-worker. Just to set the background, he's an Assistant Manager at a local quick lube shop. He was outside working when his co-worker came out and of the office complaining that there was a woman breastfeeding inside the waiting room. My husband is not even the least bit shy and when he feels strongly about something he has no problem speaking up. This is how the conversation went.

Co-Worker (CW): Ugh, there's a woman in there breastfeeding.
DH: So. There's nothing wrong with that. My wife breastfed our children and I think it's awesome not to mention it's the best thing you can do for your baby.
CW: Well, um...
DH: What's she supposed to do if the baby's hungry? Would you rather listen to them cry? And having to feed in a bathroom is disgusting. You want me to make you eat your lunch in the bathroom? No, I didn't think so.
CW: Dude, nevermind...
DH: This is personal to me since my kids were breastfed. I would be ticked if someone told my wife to stop breastfeeding. How would you feel if it were your wife.

At this point, the co-worker definitely regretted saying anything. He didn't yell or get nasty but he was ready to stand up for what he felt was right. He's so incredibly passionate about things he feels strongly about. I'm hoping some day soon he will be just as passionate about GBD and getting the word out to other parents. He's getting there slowly, only time will tell.