I read a beautiful post by The Peaceful Housewife a couple days ago about how difficult Mother's Day is when you're longing to be a mother, but haven't quite gotten there yet. My heart goes out to all the beautiful mothers who are still awaiting their little bundles of joy, but I also grieve for those who are on the other side. The children who celebrate this holiday longing for a mother of their own. I was one of those children.
Growing up, Mother's Day was always so difficult. While I was blessed to be raised by my grandmother in a very loving home, I still didn't have a mother. I was able to put on a hardened exterior when asked, "What's your mom like?" or "Where's your mom?" I would answer simply, "I don't have a mom." While some people would take that as an adequate response, there were still the one's who pushed on for an answer, "Oh, what happened?" or, the more oblivious, "Everyone has a mom!" to which I would respond nonchalantly, "She died when I was three." Then, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" I hated the apologies. I never really knew what to say so I would generally shrug and say, "It's ok." And then there were those still who wanted to know every. single. detail. Explaining to someone that your mother chose to take her own life isn't easy at any age. I'm not sure at what point I had mastered the responses, but I'm fairly sure it was an early age. I find it funny now that after revealing that last bit of info, I always felt obligated to reassure the person asking. As if it were my job to comfort them for prying into my life and getting such a sad, sad response. Most people probably never realized that it bothered me. I had the outward persona that everything was ok and since I was so young it didn't really affect me. I hate to see others upset so it was something I never even brought up to my family. But on the inside, I was so lonely. Especially on Mother's Day.
I always dreaded the arts & crafts at school & church. Make a beautiful picture frame or card for your mother. Oh, well you can just make it for your grandmother, or perhaps one of your aunts? On one hand, I do feel lucky to have had 4 beautiful women who, at different times, took on a motherly roll, but it wasn't the same. On Friday, I went to a Mother's Day brunch in Tyler's kindergarten class. Only a handful of the kids had someone there, and looking around I silently prayed that none of them knew the loss I'd known. Hopefully, their mother's were at work or otherwise engaged and they'll be spending a beautiful day with them tomorrow. My heart breaks for all the motherless children out there. It is a difficult road to bear.
Now, as a mother myself, I'm able to enjoy Mother's Day. I look at each of my children and know how truly blessed I am. I wish they could have known their grandmother. I wish I could have known her. I'm now finally at a point where I have truly forgiven her for what she did and wish to introduce my children, and myself, to the wonderful things about her. Time is healing. I pray that no other child has to go through such pain, but for those who do, I pray for peace & healing.
Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful mother's.
Children, love your mothers and cherish every moment you have with them.
