Blessings ahead

A while back I wrote about my struggle with my husband's vasectomy and my deep desire to have more children. About a month ago, I just was feeling this overwhelming desire to have a baby. I sat down with my husband and we had a long talk about it. At the end of our discussion he agreed to consider a vasectomy reversal. We did a lot of talking, praying, & research. One day, he decided to call a friend of ours, actually it's our old pastor. He told him what we were considering and asked for prayer/advice. His friend told him to "man up", which totally caught dh off guard (and made me giggle.) He said if it's weighing that heavy on my heart and was something that we both were feeling strongly about then he just needed to do it. It wasn't at all what dh thought he would hear, but it was exactly what he needed. They also talked about the fact that children are blessings from God. The next day we talked a bit, and as dh was leaving the bedroom he said, "book the appointment" and walked out. I was shocked! There were just so many "signs" that led him to believe that God was really telling him that this was what we needed to do.

We're in the planning stages now. We're saving up for the procedure and trying to figure out the perfect timing. I've also started tracking my cycles so that we will have a good idea when/if I'm ovulating. (we will probably plan the VR where it will work out well with my cycle) We're looking at late February, early March 2012. We're not telling many people, just my best friend, his friend (and his wife), & dh's boss, plus my group of online friends :). We decided there was no reason to tell everyone until there was something to tell. We didn't want to hear people's negative comments on our decision nor did we want people asking how it was going. We're getting really excited about the whole thing and praying hard that everything works out well and we're able to get pregnant.

I want to thank all the wonderful people who were so encouraging to me when I expressed my feelings. You're all such blessings to me! <3

Good Morning!

So I know I'm always beginning my posts with "I'm new to GBD..." so I'll try to avoid that start ;) Today I woke up just feeling *different*. I can't really explain it, I have just felt really in touch with my children today. I know I have quite a few lovely GBD mamas out there saying prayers for me, and they were truly felt today.

For the first time, I felt like I was truly "Conscience Parenting" (I know that terms been coined by others, but it really fits what we're trying to do.) I was catching most meltdowns before they happened and gently breaking up fights. The first half of my weekday it's just me & Sydney then my boys trickle in one at a time. During the time it was just the two of us I made a conscience effort to really watch her and anticipate when something needed to change. I responded quickly to and sometimes even before her cues (whoo hoo!!) I didn't complain when she asked me fifty bazillion times to "help her" use the rest room. I don't know why this is one of my buttons. Perhaps it's because she always asks the second I start doing something or maybe it's because it often seems like it's every. five. minutes. Seriously! But today, she barely got out "Can you help..." before I was up and heading to the bathroom to hand her toilet paper. I made sure she had food before she asked and hit meltdown "I'm huuuuungryyyyy!!!" level. I intervened when she decided the dog was a chair. All in all we had a great day. And this set me up for success when the boys got home.

The sky opened up the second I pulled into line to pick up Tyler from Kindergarten. We made a quick giggly dash from the van to the front door trying not to get soaked. Today, when Tyler asked if he could play on the computer, the second he walked in the door, I responded, "Give me a chance to think about it and I'll let you know soon" rather than "we just walked in the door!" He was so patient with me that I allowed him. They had a few little, ahem, disagreements and instead of getting frustrated I did a variation of "you hit, you sit". I took the most upset of the two to one couch and sat the other on the second couch, reassuring that I would be right back to hear his side of the story. They both shared their story and looked at each other's boo-boos, in the end they made up. It was amazing!

When the big boys came in, the littles were in a great mood. I'm really working on Kurt & Tyler learning ways to let the other know what their boundaries are and when they need to be left alone. (They are so much alike that they really seem to butt heads sometimes.) They had one negative moment that was quickly "fixed" and got along great the rest of the day. Anytime I would hear someone raise their voice or say something negative towards a sibling I would simply say, "watch you words" or "think before you speak".

What a difference it makes when you've decided ahead of time that you are going to handle each situation gently and try to consider what's going on inside your children before taking action. Today was a beautiful day! I would have missed out on a lot of positives, had I ignored those early morning feelings.

When does it get easier?

I am having a seriously emotional day. The tears have been free flowing. There hasn't been a day that's gone by since discovering gentle discipline that I haven't wished I'd discovered it sooner. It's just so hard starting fresh when half of your children are already teens. I want so badly to NOT be punitive that I find myself struggling to not be passive. I feel as though I spend so much time researching what gentle discipline is *supposed* to be yet I have no idea how to put it into action. I know it's going to take time, it's been less than 6 months since giving up punitive measures. I'm so not a patient person. When I want something, I want it NOW!!

I'm feeling like such a failure as a parent. What if it's too late to make a difference? I want all of my children to have the same opportunities and to feel equally loved. I'm grateful to be starting early (still not early enough) with my 2 youngest, but feel so bad for my big boys. I have so much love in my heart for my family and all I want is the best for them. I've tried explaining the changes and that punishments are no longer on the table. My boys are very intelligent and have such amazing hearts but I don't think they *trust* this change. How horrible am I that my children don't believe that I am willing and truly desire to change because of my love for them? How do I assure them that this change is real and help them achieve the desired goals of gentle discipline? To me, those goals are to love themselves and others as Christ has loved us. I want to help them to make the right decisions because deep down they know they are right, not because they don't want to be caught. I want them to take the feelings of others into consideration in the decision making process. I want them to be honest with their own feelings, especially to themselves. They should know that it's ok to be mad, frustrated, disappointed, or to merely have a different opinion than others.

I sound so whiny. Me, me, me, I, I, I...*sigh* The enemy knows when to attack, doesn't he? This time will pass and I know I will eventually find my stride, but I sure wish it were sooner rather than later.

Lord, protect my heart. Guide me to make the right decisions for myself & my children. Help me to correct past mistakes and help me to forgive myself as You have forgiven me. Amen. 

Bedtime doesn't have to be a power struggle?

My littlest angel didn't want to go to sleep tonight. After an hour and a half of telling her to go to bed, placing her gently in her bed, and yelling at my poor, sweet hubby to help me put her into bed, I was beginning to think she was going to pull an all nighter. Finally, after putting her into bed for the LAST time, and hearing her sweet little cries, I lifted her into my arms, carried her to the couch, and sang/rocked her to sleep. 5 minutes! and she was out. Then something clicked. I can't stand to hear my children cry and hate to see them upset about anything. The thing is, MOST of the time all they need is me. Yes I was tired, and I wanted to relax, and I wanted to watch TV, and I wanted to play on the computer...see a theme here? I was putting what I wanted before what she needed. I was the one making this into a power struggle, not her. She knew what she needed, but I wasn't listening. I would say that most, if not all, power struggles can be avoided if we (the adults) will put our children first and try to figure out what it is that they're in need of. 5 minutes! Seriously?! 5 minutes was all she needed of me at that time. We, as adults, feel the need to unwind after a long day so why would we think that our children would be any different? 5 minutes! Oh, I felt so selfish and guilty. I know my littles sleep better after some quality cuddle time, so why on earth didn't it occur to me sooner? So, yes, grace extends to bedtime. And this gentle mom-in-training is still learning. Thank you, God for using my sweet babies to teach me something new. Now, I can relax and unwind.

Big Emotions

Today was not a particularly graceful day in our house. My sweet little 6 year old started out his morning fighting with his 14 year old brother. Then, the second he stepped in the door after school his emotions were bubbling over. "No you can't play the Wii right now." Big tears. "Watching TV from the time you walk in the door until you go to bed is not an option." Bigger tears. "Please pick up LEGO Zurg before the dog eats him." This ended with "I hate Zurg!" and more big tears. At first I was overly frustrated and wanted to scream. Then, I tried to look at it from his point of view. So instead of locking myself in my room and crying into my pillow, I brought him into my room,locked the 2 of us away from everyone else and let him have his emotions. Turns out he had a rough day at school. No recess and he got in trouble for talking during a movie. Well, duh! It has to be hard for a very active 6 year old to be stuck in the classroom all day without being able to run out some of that energy outside. And then to expect him to sit still during a movie? Yeah, that's not gonna happen. My kids are rarely quiet during movies unless it holds their full attention. This is another reason I'm so excited to begin homeschooling next year. In public school, you can't take each individual's daily emotions into account. It would be mass chaos and you could never keep to a schedule. But once he's home, I'll be able to adjust our day to meet his, and his little sister's, needs.

But for now they're tucked into their beds fast asleep and mommy gets a few minutes to herself. Goodnight!

Don't STEP on me!

A biological child grows in a mother's womb;

an adopted child grows in a mother's heart.

I've started writing this a few times and am having trouble getting all my thoughts out. I originally wanted to say, "I HATE 'step'-parents" but decided that may come across a bit rough? However, that statement still holds mostly true for me. I hate that the word "step" is too often accurate for the way the new parent/child treat one another. We see it all the time in books, movies, and on TV. You have the new step-mother and step-child both vying for the husband/dad’s attention, stepping all over one another to make themselves #1 in his eyes. Now this is somewhat understandable for a child. After all, their whole world has been turned upside down and this new person has taken a permanent spot in their lives. But the new step-parent is an ADULT. An adult should never wage war with a child, rather they should try to consider the child’s feelings and understand the difficult change in said child’s life. If you’re going to make the decision to marry someone who has a child, you need to prepare yourself to be a parent. Instead, I see many who think that they just have to “put up” with this child when they’re at their house and until they turn 18. Open your eyes people! This child, this PERSON, is going to be in your life for the rest of your life (assuming you hold your wedding vows to be true.) You should be equipping yourself with all the information you can find regarding raising a child, particularly a step-child. You should be reaching out to others who have made this change successfully and even joining support groups, if you can find a trustworthy one. You need to be discussing the way your potential spouse raises and disciplines his child/ren, and make sure that you are on board with their efforts. Assuming the ex-spouse is still in the picture, you need to be able to at least respect them in the fact that they gave birth/fathered this new child you’re about to be co-raising and make a conscious effort in never using derogatory statements about them in front of the child/ren. If you’re not willing and able to accept this change, and I will admit it is a big change, and make the appropriate adjustments, then perhaps this is not the person you should be marrying.  

I’m going to take it one step further and say that becoming a step-parent should be no different than becoming an adoptive parent. Think about it, really think about it. When a person adopts a child, they bring them into their lives, and their hearts, and love them just as much as if they were their own biological child. They don’t resent this child for the love and attention they receive from the other parent. They don’t, or at least they shouldn’t, see them or love them any different than they would a biological child. Instead, they love and cherish every moment they spend with that child. They revel in every milestone they reach, and they’re present for every important event in that child’s life. Not because they’re required to be, but because they truly want to be a part of every moment, be they good or bad. Step-parents should be no different.

Make the change before your marriage and you will have a much better chance of making a smoother transition. You need to take the time to know the child whose life you’re going to be a part of. Spend time with them; get to know who they are and what makes them happy, mad, sad, etc. Spend time with them not only with your potential spouse, but alone as well. Introduce them to your family. After all they are going to be a part of this child’s life as well. Make sure your family knows that this child is to be welcomed with as much love as a child you were to give birth to and make sure they know you expect them to treat them no differently than they would any biological children. After all, most families have no problem accepting a new daughter/son-in-law, aunts/uncles, mother/father-in-laws, etc. If they have no problem accepting a new adult into their lives, they should have no problem accepting a new child.

Most importantly, love this new child. After all, they are a part of your future spouse and therefore worthy of love.

Blessings to all who have successfully made this transition and prayers for those embarking on a new journey.