Blessings ahead

A while back I wrote about my struggle with my husband's vasectomy and my deep desire to have more children. About a month ago, I just was feeling this overwhelming desire to have a baby. I sat down with my husband and we had a long talk about it. At the end of our discussion he agreed to consider a vasectomy reversal. We did a lot of talking, praying, & research. One day, he decided to call a friend of ours, actually it's our old pastor. He told him what we were considering and asked for prayer/advice. His friend told him to "man up", which totally caught dh off guard (and made me giggle.) He said if it's weighing that heavy on my heart and was something that we both were feeling strongly about then he just needed to do it. It wasn't at all what dh thought he would hear, but it was exactly what he needed. They also talked about the fact that children are blessings from God. The next day we talked a bit, and as dh was leaving the bedroom he said, "book the appointment" and walked out. I was shocked! There were just so many "signs" that led him to believe that God was really telling him that this was what we needed to do.

We're in the planning stages now. We're saving up for the procedure and trying to figure out the perfect timing. I've also started tracking my cycles so that we will have a good idea when/if I'm ovulating. (we will probably plan the VR where it will work out well with my cycle) We're looking at late February, early March 2012. We're not telling many people, just my best friend, his friend (and his wife), & dh's boss, plus my group of online friends :). We decided there was no reason to tell everyone until there was something to tell. We didn't want to hear people's negative comments on our decision nor did we want people asking how it was going. We're getting really excited about the whole thing and praying hard that everything works out well and we're able to get pregnant.

I want to thank all the wonderful people who were so encouraging to me when I expressed my feelings. You're all such blessings to me! <3

Rebirth!

Thank you to my amazing husband who is allowing me to share his beautiful testimony! I love you with all my heart darling and thank God for you every day! -GM



I didn't grow up in a Christian home and can only remember going to church a handful of times. I'm the oldest of 4. My siblings are 7 yrs (brother), 10 yrs (brother), & 13 yrs (sister) younger. I had a strange relationship with my father, I always felt he treated me just a bit diferrently than my siblings. (I didn't find out until I was an adult that he was not my biological father but had adopted me when he married my mother.) My mom was overly strict on some things, cleaning especially, and very leniant on other things, when, where, & who I hung out with. My parents split when I was a teen (not a great time for a boy) due to my father's infidelity, and I didn't handle it well. I began to start down a dangerous path. I started smoking, drinking, & eventually moved to smoking pot.

At age 17, my first son was born. I was more interested in partying with friends than being a parent, and was not a big part of his life at that time. His mother and I did not stay together long. I was partying more and more, and getting into trouble on a regular basis. At age 19, my second son was born. At this time my mother intervened. She didn't want me to be "that guy" and insisted I marry the mother of son #2. I was so messed up at this point that I just did what I was told and we were married after he was born. Not long after we married, my grandfather passed away. He was one of my biggest heroes and my biggest male role model. I did not take it well. On the day of his funeral, I was absent. That was also the day I moved onto stronger drugs. My wife at the time introduced me to meth to "take the edge off". This began a downward spiral. Our marriage was short lived. She was unwilling to be faithful, and I was unwilling to overlook that fact so we divorced. Thankfully, I was able to get full custody of son #2. And thankfully, my mother was around to help me with him and keep him away from the bad. I was moving a lot but tried to be the best father I could be under the circumstances.

In 2000, something happened that changed the path in which my life was going. I was arrested for drugs and sent to prison. Of course, at that time I could see nothing good coming out of those circumstances, but God had great plans ahead. After a while I was moved to a work release program 3 hours away from my home town. I didn't know anyone (this turned out to be a good thing!) I had a case worker who I didn't particularly care for because I felt like he wasn't working hard for me. (remember this, it's important!) Just before Thanksgiving in 2001, I was hired to work at a Quick Lube, but they were unable to start me until after the holidays. I found another Quick Lube that was able to start me immediately, so I decided to work there instead. (FYI, when you're in prison, you will do anything to leave the facility, even if it's just going to work.) (Oh, and another funny thing, the first job I had lined up is where I'm now working almost 10 years later.) My first day of work, I walked in and saw the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. And she was my boss. (also important)

I was released from prison in February of 2002. Of course I learned my lesson and stayed as far as possible from all illegal activities, right? Wrong. The first thing I did when I was released was go get high. S L O W    L E A R N E R!! A few months after I was out, I began talking to the girl from work. She was happy to be my friend, but it was made perfectly clear that she would never date anyone who did drugs of any kind. She had been through all that with her ex. Eventually, I quit the hard stuff, but was still smoking pot. I even made plans with the girl to go on a float trip that summer. The morning we were supposed to go, I was so messed up from the night before and I never showed up or called.

In August 2002, my son went for a scheduled visitation with his mother over the weekend. (He was living with my mother during this time.) She did not show up on the day she was scheduled to bring him home. Without anyone's knowledge, she had moved out of town and enrolled him in the local school. This was my wakeup call. I went "home" to my mother's to get my son back. Thinking there was a possiblity of a routine drug test, I quit smoking pot as well. We showed up at the school, with police in tow, and took him back home (to my mother's.) I stayed a few days then returned to the town of my job. It was nearly a month before I ever heard anything from my ex. She simply called and asked, "where is C?" like she just suddenly realized he never came home from school A MONTH AGO! Needless to say, she lost all visitation rights after that.

A few weeks after that, I called the girl to see if she wanted to get together. The day came for our date (though neither of us was really sure if it was really a date or not) and I had no money to take her out. It looked as if I was going to have to stand her up, AGAIN. My boss, and some fellow employees,  said no way. They were not going to allow me to ruin this, so they gathered money together to make the date happen. On September 6, 2002 we went on our first date. Yes, it was definitely a date! We have been inseparable since that time, rarely spending time apart. (On the way to the movies she let out a little secret. Remember that case worker I couldn't stand? Yeah. He was her uncle!! I almost jumped out of the truck. Boy am I glad I didn't.) We were engaged by the end of October and had plans to marry the next summer. We didn't make it that long. On March 24, 2003 we went to the Chapel by the Courthouse and said our vows. Two months after we were married my 2nd son came to live with us.

After we were married, she occasionally dragged me to Church. It was ok, but not something I was used to. I can remember one night we were talking about God and she was crying. She didn't want to be married to someone who she would not be spending eternity with. But I still wasn't ready to make that commitment. In 2004, we were expecting our 1st biological child. Our 2 boys (she had a son as well) talked me into going to a presentation at Church. It scared the hell out of me, and got the wheels turning. She was dragging me to Church more and more often and we were always spending time with her family (who were praying behind my back ;) ) We began working on fixing up an old family house to move into before the baby was born. We were spending a lot of time working with her family and church friends. On August 31, 2004, we were at home getting ready to head over to work on the other house when there was a knock on the door. It was 2 men and a lady. I recognized one of the guys, he and his brother had been helping us work on the house. Turns out the others were the church pastor and one of the sweetest ladies from the church. They were doing church visitation and the man I knew had suggested they stop by our house. They talked a little. Then the pastor asked me a simple question. "If you were to die today, do you know where you would go?" I was a 28 year old man. Statistically it was very unlikely that I would accept salvation at that point in my life. No one expected me to. My response? "Let's do this." While tears streamed down my wife's face, I accepted Christ as my Savior. 7 years ago today I made the most important decision of my life.

It's easy to look back at circumstances and be angry about some of the outcomes, but had any one of those things gone differently, my life may have gone a drastically different direction. I'm thankful for those obstacles. I would not be where I am today or have the life I have without them. God is amazing! Even though we may not always understand why things happen He does.

BTW, that Pastor is now one of my best friends.

First day of school

Oh me oh my. I'm pretty beat from today so this probably won't be a long post, but I did want to share how our first day went.

First of all, I could. not. sleep. last night. Sometime after 3:00am I finally fell asleep so of course the dog had to wake me at 5:00am to go out. (She rarely ever gets up that early.) I got a little more sleep after that and when my hubby left for work I laid down for "just a few more minute" (I even set my alarm) and work up much later than I had planned. So I was "tardy" for my first day, lol. Thankfully, I had planned a shorter day just in case we had some obstacles. I'd have to say that one of the things I've been worrying about the most is the ability to give each child adequate attention while keeping the 3 year old out of the boys way. It wasn't too bad. For the most part she listened while T & I did our readings. When he did his handwriting, she asked for some letters to copy (she likes me to write them in dots for her to trace) and I went ahead and made her some numbers to copy while we did math. We did our picture study all together as a group and when we were done S wanted to draw. She drew a castle, the part of the painting that stood out the most to her. Overall, I was pretty impressed with her. I had K (14 yr old) work on the things he could do independently while I was working with T since he needs my help more and once T's work was complete, he & S played quietly while I helped K with the more intense parts of his work and he shared with me what he had learned so far. Everybody raved about how much they loved it, which was a huge relief to me. I know that not everyday is going to go this well, but I'm so glad that we've started off well. Tomorrow will be a bit more intense, but I feel more prepared. I'm so happy I stuck with it rather than listening to those negative thoughts (and sometimes negative people) and giving up.

New school year & life as I know it

Only 2 days to go. I may or may not have chewed my nails down to the nubs. Yes, in just 2 days we will begin our homeschooling adventure. I'm not sure if I'm brave or crazy. I will be homeschooling my 14 yr old & 6 yr old as well as entertaining my 3 yr old. My 16 yr old has decided to stay in public school since he's just got 2 years left. I am glad that I've found a great homeschool curriculum at amblesideonline.org and I really think the kids are going to enjoy it. I love that it's a Christian based curric. and that we will be doing a lot of enrichment type work (art, music, & some form of foreign language, possibly adding in sign language at some point) and a lot of outdoor activities. I'm taking the first week slowly and even thinking about spreading it over a 2 week period since this is so new to us and quite a bit more intense than what they're used to in public school.

There have been a few frustrations and obstacles in my planning. First, I've been having computer & printer problems. DD,  3 yr old, got ahold of the laptop when I wasn't looking and did some interesting things to it. I'm lucky that my best friend's husband is a computer genius and was able to fix the problems with the laptop. Sadly, it looks like the printer has printed it's last item. He seems to think it may have been dropped, did I mention I have 4 kids? Of course I didn't find this out until after I bought brand new ink. I'm hoping to get the other printer up & running tonight, which means I'll be printing everything off tomorrow or later tonight. Second issue, all my books haven't arrived yet. They were supposed to be here today, but didn't make it. Hopefully they'll arrive Monday. If not, we'll just improvise and work them in as they arrive. Either way it will be an interesting, and exciting, adventure.

It's been an exciting an somewhat strange summer. We had about 45 days of 100*+ temps which landed us inside more often than not. I'm actually looking forward to some cooler weather, which is odd for me because I generally prefer the warmer temps. My aunt has been home since the end of July, she's a Missionary in China. (not sure if that's actually safe to post here, hmmm) We've had a lot of fun with her and are not looking forward to sending her off next weekend. This year she's going back as a student rather than a teacher. She'll be attending the University where she lives to study Chinese and attempt to become fluent. After she's done she gets to come home (to the states) for 6 months! Woohoo!!! This is huge because she's been in China going on 3 years and was in Taiwan 9 years prior.

My weight loss is going pretty well. I'm down 22lbs since June 30th, and 17ish inches since July 17th (silly me forgot to measure from the beginning.) I'm excited to be down where I am now. I'm finally around the weight I was while pregnant with T (he's 6 now) and looking forward to losing more. I'm finished with my 1st round of hCG and will be starting another one mid-October. Praying I maintain what I've lost until then.

Well there are lovely children climbing on me as I try to type so it's probably best I wrap this up. I'll try to update more often and keep up to date on how our homeschooling adventure is going.

FYI: for those who have been posting comments, blogger is giving me issues in responding for some reason. I'm not ignoring and really do appreciate those of you who take the time to read my little blog. <3<3<3

I haven't posted in for.ev.er. It's been a busy life around here. I've had a lot of things going around in my head but can't seem to get them down onto the computer, which is frustrating. I'm just going to jabber a bit about what's been going on and what's coming up.

Summer has been H.O.T.!!!! Seriously, just walking outside makes me feel like I'm going to melt. We usually do tons of swimming, the kids grandparents house has a boat dock, but it's just been too hot. We did finally go to our favorite swimming hole lst week and that was a blast! The water there is freezing and it felt soooo good. We've visited a couple splash pads which the kids seem to enjoy. But overall we've spent a lot of time inside. With 4 kids that can get, um, messy, lol. We've been watching too much TV and I've spent too much time on the internet (hmm, you'd think I'd be writing more.)

I'm preparing for our first year of Homeschooling. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I'm excited to be able to spend more time with my kiddos and to be such an integral part of their education but I'm so scared I'm going to screw them up. I told a friend the other day, "I'm homeschooling. They'll know what I know. Therefore, they'll never leave home because they won't be smart enough." I know, bad joke. I'm using amblesideonline and am very excited over the layout, but still not sure how I'll implement everything. It will be a learning experience for us all. My oldest has chosen to stay in Public School since he only has 2 years left (wow, 2 years!? that can't be right) so I'll have the youngest 3 at home, K almost 15, T-6yo, & S-3 yo.

I've also been losing weight and have given up Pepsi, which is huge for me. (Now if I can just get dh to give up his Mt. Dew.) I'm doing the hCG diet and have lost almost 16 lbs since June 30th (I did a week long interruption or it would have been more.) I'm loving the way I feel and I'm so excited to get back to the body I, and my dh, deserve. I'll try to update on that more often.

Well, there's more I'm sure but that's all that's coming to mind now. I'm trying to ease back into writing so I'm hoping to be here more often. I've been working on getting my husband's testimony written up, it was lost when our previous laptop was stolen. I'm very excited about this because my husband is just such an amazing man and I love seeing what God's doing in his, and our, life. <3

Mother's Day & the motherless child

I read a beautiful post by The Peaceful Housewife a couple days ago about how difficult Mother's Day is when you're longing to be a mother, but haven't quite gotten there yet. My heart goes out to all the beautiful mothers who are still awaiting their little bundles of joy, but I also grieve for those who are on the other side. The children who celebrate this holiday longing for a mother of their own. I was one of those children.

Growing up, Mother's Day was always so difficult. While I was blessed to be raised by my grandmother in a very loving home, I still didn't have a mother. I was able to put on a hardened exterior when asked, "What's your mom like?" or "Where's your mom?" I would answer simply, "I don't have a mom." While some people would take that as an adequate response, there were still the one's who pushed on for an answer, "Oh, what happened?" or, the more oblivious, "Everyone has a mom!" to which I would respond nonchalantly, "She died when I was three." Then, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" I hated the apologies. I never really knew what to say so I would generally shrug and say, "It's ok." And then there were those still who wanted to know every. single. detail. Explaining to someone that your mother chose to take her own life isn't easy at any age. I'm not sure at what point I had mastered the responses, but I'm fairly sure it was an early age. I find it funny now that after revealing that last bit of info, I always felt obligated to reassure the person asking. As if it were my job to comfort them for prying into my life and getting such a sad, sad response. Most people probably never realized that it bothered me. I had the outward persona that everything was ok and since I was so young it didn't really affect me. I hate to see others upset so it was something I never even brought up to my family. But on the inside, I was so lonely. Especially on Mother's Day.

I always dreaded the arts & crafts at school & church. Make a beautiful picture frame or card for your mother. Oh, well you can just make it for your grandmother, or perhaps one of your aunts? On one hand, I do feel lucky to have had 4 beautiful women who, at different times, took on a motherly roll, but it wasn't the same. On Friday, I went to a Mother's Day brunch in Tyler's kindergarten class. Only a handful of the kids had someone there, and looking around I silently prayed that none of them knew the loss I'd known. Hopefully, their mother's were at work or otherwise engaged and they'll be spending a beautiful day with them tomorrow. My heart breaks for all the motherless children out there. It is a difficult road to bear.

Now, as a mother myself, I'm able to enjoy Mother's Day. I look at each of my children and know how truly blessed I am. I wish they could have known their grandmother. I wish I could have known her. I'm now finally at a point where I have truly forgiven her for what she did and wish to introduce my children, and myself, to the wonderful things about her. Time is healing. I pray that no other child has to go through such pain, but for those who do, I pray for peace & healing.

Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful mother's.
Children, love your mothers and cherish every moment you have with them.

Good Morning!

So I know I'm always beginning my posts with "I'm new to GBD..." so I'll try to avoid that start ;) Today I woke up just feeling *different*. I can't really explain it, I have just felt really in touch with my children today. I know I have quite a few lovely GBD mamas out there saying prayers for me, and they were truly felt today.

For the first time, I felt like I was truly "Conscience Parenting" (I know that terms been coined by others, but it really fits what we're trying to do.) I was catching most meltdowns before they happened and gently breaking up fights. The first half of my weekday it's just me & Sydney then my boys trickle in one at a time. During the time it was just the two of us I made a conscience effort to really watch her and anticipate when something needed to change. I responded quickly to and sometimes even before her cues (whoo hoo!!) I didn't complain when she asked me fifty bazillion times to "help her" use the rest room. I don't know why this is one of my buttons. Perhaps it's because she always asks the second I start doing something or maybe it's because it often seems like it's every. five. minutes. Seriously! But today, she barely got out "Can you help..." before I was up and heading to the bathroom to hand her toilet paper. I made sure she had food before she asked and hit meltdown "I'm huuuuungryyyyy!!!" level. I intervened when she decided the dog was a chair. All in all we had a great day. And this set me up for success when the boys got home.

The sky opened up the second I pulled into line to pick up Tyler from Kindergarten. We made a quick giggly dash from the van to the front door trying not to get soaked. Today, when Tyler asked if he could play on the computer, the second he walked in the door, I responded, "Give me a chance to think about it and I'll let you know soon" rather than "we just walked in the door!" He was so patient with me that I allowed him. They had a few little, ahem, disagreements and instead of getting frustrated I did a variation of "you hit, you sit". I took the most upset of the two to one couch and sat the other on the second couch, reassuring that I would be right back to hear his side of the story. They both shared their story and looked at each other's boo-boos, in the end they made up. It was amazing!

When the big boys came in, the littles were in a great mood. I'm really working on Kurt & Tyler learning ways to let the other know what their boundaries are and when they need to be left alone. (They are so much alike that they really seem to butt heads sometimes.) They had one negative moment that was quickly "fixed" and got along great the rest of the day. Anytime I would hear someone raise their voice or say something negative towards a sibling I would simply say, "watch you words" or "think before you speak".

What a difference it makes when you've decided ahead of time that you are going to handle each situation gently and try to consider what's going on inside your children before taking action. Today was a beautiful day! I would have missed out on a lot of positives, had I ignored those early morning feelings.