I may be having an emotional breakdown. I may be just a normal hormonal woman. Either way my thoughts have centered on one thing lately: babies. I see them everywhere. My favorite online forum, facebook, even my young (18) emotionally unstable stepson. Maybe it's from all the AP stuff I've been learning about lately, maybe it's my biological clock (even though I have already given birth 3 times.) I don't know what it is, but every tiny bit of my being aches for a baby. I long to gently birth a new life, to have him/her feed at my breasts, to cuddle a tiny little life on my chest, you get the point. I feel like I'm so much more knowledgeable now than I was when I was birthing my babies. "When you know better, you do better." The phrase echoes in my mind and I long to use that knew knowledge to welcome a new, precious life. I'm (relatively) young still, so what's the problem? Unfortunately, 3 years ago my husband and I made a decision that we regret deeply. He had a vasectomy. We didn't do it necessarily because we wanted to, but instead we allowed ourselves to be guilted by well meaning family & friends. We already had 4 kids (5 really, but the oldest didn't live with us) so it seemed, to everyone else at least, to be the logical step. It seemed immediately after our baby girl was born, everyone had an opinion as to what needed to happen next. It was the same thing from everyone, "So when you going to get clipped?" MIL was especially vocal as she felt we should be done! Most of our friends who were on us about it had gone through the procedure themselves and I suppose they figured since it was right for them it should be right for us. Now 3 years later I just have one thing to say to them. How dare you! It's OUR family. When did it become ok to tell people how many children they should have? I know everyone gets the urge to give, unsolicited, advice but sometimes people should just mind their own dang business! I'll admit that I've always been one to try to please others. I'm not good with confrontation, never have been. I'm shy & awkward and don't want to cause a stir. From now on, however, when someone gives me advice, or flat out tells me what I should do, I may (or may not) consider what they have to say and tell them thanks but no thanks. I will forever live with the regret over my decision to forfeit any future children I may have carried in my womb. I may never forgive myself for letting others guilt me into doing something THEY thought was right, for me. Now I just secretly (well not so secretly now) hope that *maybe* it will reverse itself or *maybe* God will decide to bless us miraculously with a new baby. Every time AF is a few days late I find myself thinking, "maybe?" I was even 5 weeks late this past fall and really got my hopes up that this was it, but AF finally reared her ugly head and crushed all my hopes. My husband has never gone back for his final test. For some reason, even though I was there and watched the entire procedure, I have this little part in the back of my brain that tells me as long as I don't know there's still a chance. Ignorance is bliss, right? I just can't stand the thought of him going in to find out. I know it's silly, because the doctor we used has a really good "success" rate and has only had a few "not take" or reverse themselves. *Sigh* I now pray for healing. This pain, this emotion is so strong that it sometimes consumes me. I know that's not how I'm supposed to live my life, and I'm working on moving past it.
Lord, please heal this pain and help me to forgive myself for making such a drastic, regretful decision. I know you alone can deliver me from this pain. Amen.